Paul's Relationship

This is Paul. His core muscles are remarkable. Paul is handsome, he is smart. Paul has great hair, he has a better car. Paul can program your Macbook to walk itself to the kitchen, make you a sandwich and slap its own bitchface when it forgets the mayonnaise. Until recently, Paul was snared in an on again off again romance with Gloria, a passive aggressive GPS system he unwittingly installed in his Jeep six months ago who has been relentless in her attempts to control his life even since (let her go Paul, she’s not the One).

“So Gloria’s done? Awesome! That means Paul’s on the market, right?”

Good question, reader. The answer, coming to you hot off the desk of ladycrusher-dot-blogspot-dot-com’s top investigative team, is an enthusiastic ‘No effing way, dudes”. FYI, now’s when you high five Paul.

“What?!?! No way?!?”

Reader, you impress me, more brilliant questions! It sounds like you need a little background info on Paul’s Relationship (hey, that’s the title of the blog entry...I guess that means we’re coming close to the thesis statement). Well, lucky for you I’m awake after Grey’s Anatomy with the sole aim of telling you everything you could ever want to know about Paul’s Relationship, plus a few things you didn’t actually want to know but are about to learn regardless:

It started on Tuesday. A decently smoking young woman with auburn curls appeared – a little nervous, a little excited – at the front desk of MPHC climbing. The tension soon left her face as Paul, the hero of our story, left the bouldering room behind him to meet her halfway (meaning mid top-rope room) with harness in hand. (That’s a climbing harness, dirty you. We’re not at the part of the story with that kind of harness quite yet…okay, to justify this diversion, I’d like to point out that ‘the harness’ is key here. In fact, we only know that Paul and auburn curls are in a relationship because Paul does not deny bringing the harness EXCULSIVELY to do routes with her. Were it not already clear, that means they talk on the phone – she’s totally his gf forevs.)


Okay, side story over. Where were we? Oh yeah, we were approaching the best part…


Just one look, just one gentle tug on her grigri - that was all it took. That was enough to say ‘baby, let’s take this slow’. So they started with a series of trust falls. At first they worked in close quarters; there’s no risk in that, really. But trust grew quickly between them and soon they’d incorporated blindfolds and other such things (like taking a half step backwards after every successful attempt). This is when I happened to walk past the duo only to hear a timid yet resolute voice whimper; “Catch me Paul, I’m falling”, then softer, barely audible, “for you, Paul…for…you…”.

They top roped for, like, two hours and then fully made it to second base in the change room (with no lock, if you hadn’t noticed – nice one Paul). And then, the best part - and this part is actually true - Paul played it totally cool when Auburn came over looking for a little salutation. He just kept bouldering with his bros (+ladycrushers) and was like “See ya – whatevs” when she left. Note: This was a LEGEND move dudes, learn from Paul – this is what makes a girly keep coming back (I would know, I fall for this shit, like, four times a day).

So, anyway, concluding this: Paul is in a relationship and I suggest you bring it up next time (every time) you get the chance. He’s exploding with the urge to talk about it but he is also a little shy, so he’s waiting for you to ask him for the juicy details. And be persistent, the more he resists, the more he wants to open before you the floodgates of his true emotions.



(P.S. Paul is in a relationship, pass it on)