Your Fortune Cookie

Introducing the mega magical mysticism of mysterious Ms MjoannaMagdelana...


(The Reader, ie. You: Wow, I also love alliterations.
Me: We really have so much in common you and I - ‘sigh’.
You: I like your face. You should call me.
Me: I like your lateral muscles. You must do reps.
...this goes on for a while...tune in later to see where we’re at...it might be steamy)


Anyway, getting on with it...


Ms Mjoanna has m-uncover a crate full of m-loosely climbing related fortune cookies. She ate the cookies and blogged the fortunes for your reading convenience.

Here’s how the game works. You pick a number between 1 and 15. You scroll down to that number and you read the corresponding fortune. Some fortunes were authored (by divine forces) with certain readers in mind, others were just plain authored. I’m not telling whose is meant for whom cause its more fun leaving you a little confused (nervous? shocked? I’m going for a range of emotions here). You can play until you get a fortune you like. Or until you get bored. Actually, there aren’t any rules, I just needed a back story for this entry.


Alright, here we go:


YOUR CLIMBING FORTUNE SAYS:


1. You are cruxing...right now

2. You will never send Andrew’s Traverse. You will not pass go. You will never have two hundred dollars. This knowledge will haunt you always.

3. Tragically, you find undeniable evidence that size does matter. More than that, it matters a lot (...Um, like arm span etc when you’re climbing... don’t be so effing sensitive...Christ, cry much?).

4. You will never be entirely comfortable locking off on your left side. You are pitied always.

5. The business socks you are wearing will have a truly amazing effect on those around you. The rest of this vision is a little fuzzy, but there is unquestionably a Slam-pig involved (and she might be known for misusing, comas).

6. You are made of rainbows. Unicorns prance and dolphins sing wherever you go.

7. Your friend Tabatha will turn on you at an awkward moment. This will be devastating for a number of embarrassing reasons. (If you weren’t there for this joke, ask someone who was. It’s totally one you want to be in on.)

8. One day, not long from now, you will fail to offer vital contextual information as you publicly describe getting your left hand stuck up a greasy crack for half an hour. This mistake will illicit shocking consequences you will either find terrifying or awesome. Either way, you will never forget the incident.

9. You will save the whales. Your will onsite a V12. You are divine and I love you.

10. Within the year you will have He-man's hair, the hands of a leper, and feet sporting the scent and general aesthetic of aging road kill. You will be considered the most attractive person in your peer group thanks to these achievements. This fortune is, of course, contingent on rock climbers remaining your primary social network.

11. You will be minding your own business, bouldering with friends, when an oddly dashing character with an unbutton plaid shirt and a majorly huge crash pad steps out of the woods to sweep you off your feet. Based on this incident, you become the revered author of a highly successful series of romance novels. You make millions. Everything is magic henceforth. (Oh wait, this is my fortune – how’d it get in here? You go pick another one, this one's taken.)

12. Your upcoming birthday will find you minutes away from a fancy hotel room where two good looking strippers and some cocaine await you for your first ever melange a trois. All of a sudden the douche bag standing behind you pukes all over your salmon pink leisure suit. Your evening is ruined and the missed opportunity will never present itself again. Overall, this sucks.

13. My imagination and your reality cross paths. It’ll be weird for both of us. I’ll probably like it more than you.

14. New Jersey happens to you!...Wait, it gets worse... At some sleazy bar in Hoboken you meet Gloria (Paul’s ex-girlfriend/GPS system). You become her rebound. Ultimately, you feel used…you may as well start crying now.

15. You and all your climbing friends ditch New York and move into adjacent houses on the same street out west. You climb everyday and live happily ever after. It’s totally beautiful and then there’s a perfect sunset. The End.