I mean, I don’t do it every time, but after showing up at the gym and doing the same moves every Tuesday/Thursday, sometimes you just need to mix things up a bit. You know how it goes.
At its most essential, slutty climbing involves replenishing the elemental things that sustain our climbing community: Blatant, preferably bizarre, come ons - we like those a lot. Sexual harassment in the climbing gym needs to be provoked to ensure there is a sustainable supply of ass grabs and feelskies for all worthy participants. Unnecessarily tight clothing is another thing we’re really trying to maintain in prominent standing. I mean, think about it - climbing without a readily referable camel toe around? Yeah, sure, that sounds fun…ummm, not. Basically, what we’re talking about is really anything from harmless flirting to irresponsible and potentially disastrous hookups with fellow climbers.
In a recent discussion with an avid ladycrusher-dot-blogspot fan, this particular crusher expressed desire to try it out, but nerves regarding what sexy climbing entitles. What can I say? You’re not sure this is something you want to try? You think someone’s going to see your nipples while you’re suspended midair on an overhang with half a shirt on? Well get over it, cause you’re gonna show 'em and we’re gonna be proud of you. You see, you can’t cave climb in a circa nineteen-ninety-two tank top with the front tucked through the neck and prevent boob spillage. Get real - it’s, like, geometrically impossible (ie. circles have a 360 degree circumference and the sum of all three corners of a triangle only equates 180 meaning a triangular cloth will never cover more than half a boob - that’s grade three math stuff). Plus even if math would allow for more modest climbing, I wouldn’t want it – no thanks.
Why not?
Easy question. Cause every now and then, every Crusherlady – wherever she may roam, whatever she calls home – she’s going to need the chance to be a bit of a Slam-pig. That’s right, I said it. You read it. I meant it. And what’s more, I think you dig it: Deep down inside every lady who climbs there is a piggly-wiggly just dying for a stack of slamcake.
Don’t be embarrassed, Slam-pigs are effing hot. In fact, they should put a picture of a Slam-pig on the hundred dollar bill. You know what else, they should project a Slam-pig two thousand times magnified onto Antarctica so you can see it from space. And after that, they should institute a federal bureau of Slam-pigs so we can better investigate Slam-pig activity around the globe – write your congressmen, make it happen.
You like pandas? Fuck pandas – SLAM-PIGs! Dolphins? Fuck Dolphins, SLAM-PIGs! Here’s a quiz; name three things hotter than a Slam-pig? ‘BLEEP’ Incorrect. The only acceptable answer was nothing, nothing and nothing (that was a psyc, pardon).
Now check out this graph!
Alright. There’s a few more things we need to go over before concluding. First of all, don’t say we didn’t warn you; there are also some professional risks to Slam-pigging. Namely, a Slam-pig always needs to be vigilant about the ever present threat of Douchbags climbing in the area. Douchbags love Slam-pigs. They also have infallible radar when it comes to locating a Slam-pig’s coordinates. Ladycrusher-dot-blogspot suggests caution when it comes to Douchbags. Boat shoes may have their place in the world, but that place is not under your bed. Polos may be cute, but not on your floor. Mutual funds may be trendy, but you – my darling – are a ladycrusher and you don’t need to spend your evenings being lectured on the relative advantages of not giving to a charitable cause.
But – that said - Don’t worry too much about getting duped by a Douchbag: 1) Because it happens to every Slam-pig at some point 2) Douchbags are usually pretty easy to identify unless you’ve not been drugged (which is not uncommon). By consequence, in most cases you’re not really in danger when it comes to Douchbags unless you kinda sorta wanted to be and, although I find this unwise, I respect your decision.*
*I must add a public health warning as postscript: Should you follow a Douchbag home, please be advised that every one of his breed has a practiced explanation regarding why The Pull-Out is an effective safeguard against unwanted pregnancy and STD transmission. His case in defense of pulling out will probably be the best argued and most concise reasoning you will ever hear from a Douchbag. Be aware, the statement is untrue regardless.
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